Looking at the DPH page today, you wonder if they are idiots or if they think we are all idiots. The page itself is internally inconsistent. The very top has the cumulative totals for today. “Confirmed COVID-19 Cases” is one category (26,123; +539 from yesterday) and “Deaths” “attributed to COVID-19” is another category (1,124; +29 from yesterday). Down below we have the exact same graphs that have been there for a couple of days showing almost 0 for new cases (22 not 539) and deaths (0 not 29). Apparently the word “confirmed” has a definition I’m not aware of that changes from where it is defined at the top of the page and the graphs. DPH says that “[a] confirmed case is defined as a person who has tested positive for 2019 novel coronavirus.” Well the numbers just don’t match up. So I guess the graphs show what the author of the graph has PERSONALLY confirmed? Sure there is some language that the numbers might change due to delay in reporting or the difficulty in attribution of the cause of death. But does the time lag or attribution change the numbers from the top of the web page to the middle? You can download the other documents, but they shed no light on this subject. More likely the graphs are just something that an artist drafted to demonstrate what a line graph might look like if things went well. No model. No estimate. Just someone with a computer making a graph.

Therefore, as of this moment I can tell you honestly that I have CONFIRMED there have been no COVID-19 cases in my home office since March 10, 2020. The infection rate is 0% as is the mortality rate. Therefore, the crisis is over! Hallelujah! Since we are just making stuff up now, I like my version better.

Now if the virus would just read the DPH web page and realize that the pandemic is over and go back to China so we can all get back to work.

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